mommy thoughts

why cant i stop crying

it seems as though im fine during the day but when nighttime rolls around i cant control my emotions AT ALL!!!!!!! i dont know what it is.... granted its not always at night sometimes its during the day but either way this whole out of control emotional feeling is pretty bad... i cry bc im happy cry bc i look at andrea.. cry bc i love my husband who keeps telling me how beautiful i am.. cry bc im sad and i dont know why...pretty much im just a weepy mess ... i know its going to take awhile to get my hormones regulated but in the meantime im going crazy... its like i have zero control over my emotions ....

God's Perfect Design

How can i possibly sum up into words the most amazing gift that i've been blessed to receive.

is it watching her sleep

is it the way i see the whole world in her eyes

is it watching her take in each delicate breath

is it knowing that with God's help my husband and i gave this beautiful angel life.

is it the way she holds my finger in her tiny hands

is it knowing that the moment she took her first breath my entire life changed forever

The moment my angel came into this world i had no idea the journey that had begun.. now looking back 7 days later i'm in complete awe each time i look at her..each time her tiny almond shaped eyes look up at me as if to say i know you're my mommy.. each time her tiny hands grasp my fingers or when she snuggles against my heart.

I have only God to thank for blessing us with such an amazing gift a gift that only he could bestow upon Gustavo and I. It's funny.. you go through an entire 9 months of pregnancy living your life as if nothing had changed coming and going to weekly and monthly doctors appointments.. going here and there.. doing blood work and seeing specialists only to hear what could or could not be going on with this tiny bubble of life growing inside you... you worry and you cry because you feel out of control all the while knowing that the only true way to know what is going on inside of you is to wait it out until that first breath.. when you can see her feel her and know that everything is fine... its like you're carrying around the most amazing secret and it's living inside of you.

Even the amazment of pregnancy however, the growing of a beautiful life inside of you does not compare to the moment that life is brought into this world... hearing that first cry, seeing those tiny feet and hands... realizing just how delicate life is. Knowing you had a part in it... feeling the awe and wonder of how life will continue to change and unfold.. yet knowing you will never truly be able to tell the future and that each and every step of the way will continue to be as much of a surprise as each ultrasound, each doctor's appointment, and each breath that little miracle takes. You are now responsible for this life, this amazing person. You are no longer just you...it is no longer just gustavo and i now we have become three. The we that we once were has expanded into this beautiful family this beautiful gift..."God's Perfect Design"

Now with each breath my perfect Andrea takes in i feel blessed... blessed to know shes ours blessed to know that she grew perfectly in my belly for 9 months... blessed to know that the Lord entrusted us with such an amazing gift and responsibility... i'm able to look back at each flutter and hiccup that i felt inside of my stomach and inside of my soul and see her now alive and well with each kick all the while thinking fondly of those perfect 9 months where it was only her and i... a bond which i know now could never be duplicated. I would do everything again in a split second... she was more than worth it...

I know this is only the beginning of our amazing journey into parent hood and i'm already completely in love and overwhelmed all at the same time...my life couldn't feel more complete if i had written it in a story book...God has blessed us in a tremendous way...and i will never forget the favor he has shown over our family...he has fit every single piece of lifes puzzle together in a perfect way showing his hand in our love story every step of the way.. i'm more than grateful to him for that... for giving us a tiny glimpse into his amazing power.. for matching me with a husband whom he created just for me.. and then matching us with a perfect daughter made just for us...

She is truly God's Perfect Design.

Psalms: 127:3

Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.

Jeremiah 1:5

Before i formed you in the womb i knew you, before you were born i set you apart.

One night a man dreamed he was walking along the beach with the lord. as scenes of his life flashed before him, he noticed that there were two sets of footprints in the sand. he also noticed at his saddest, lowest times there was but one set of footprints...

this bothered the man. He asked the Lord,

Did you not promise that if i gave my heart to you that you'd be with me all the way? then why is there but one set of footprints during my most troublesome times?

the Lord replied, My precious child, i love you and i would never forsake you. During those times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then I CARRIED YOU.

-AUTHOR UNKNOWN

"i'll take a breath take him by my side we stand in awe, we've created life"

"With arms wide open under the sunlight welcome to this place i'll show you everything with arms wide open. now everything has changed i'll show you love i'll show you everything."

"i hope she understands that she can take this life and hold it by the hand and she can greet the world with arms wide open"

I LOVE YOU BABY ANDREA... THANK YOU FOR MAKING MOMMY AND DADDY'S LIFE COMPLETE!!

Welcome Andrea Emibel Diaz

Well for those of you who dont know... our precious angel made her debut on 7/22/09 at 6:52pm weighing 6lbs 9oz at 17.5 inches long!!!

Here's my birth story:

we were scheduled for a cervidil induction on tuesday night 7/21/09 it was supposed to be at 9pm but when we arrived at the hospital they told us that we weren't supposed to be there until 11pm so i suppose the happy medium was that we finally got into our room at 10:30pm not toooo bad... anyway at that point my parents and my sister came to check on us to make sure we had gotten settled ok... when we first got into the room and i changed into my hospital gown i refused to sit on the bed lol... i know it sounds silly... i was just flooded with emotions at that point that all i could do was sit in a chair in the room hands trembling... then the nurse came in and explained that she would be starting my iv and administering my cervidil...

well... i have to say i''d been dreading the iv my entire pregnancy... i dont know why but i had the funny feeling that it would hurt like hell... and oh my was i right... im sure in a perfect world an iv is nothing... but in my world i ended up having something called valves... where when the nurse first stuck me with the needle it only went in so far before basically hitting a point in my vein that was kind of blocked... she tried to pressure her way through and ended up collapsing my vein ... sooo that one was a painful no go... then she tried the other hand.. nope not that one either... after her two failed attempts she grabbed another nurse who inserted the iv in my forearm with no problem lol!!!! anyway so that was over and done with... it was time for my cervidil which nobody ever told me would be inserted with NO LUBE!!!!! omg did i scream and cry... that was pretty painful and i wasn't expecting it so yay for cervidil lol!!

after that it was time to wait... basically the cervidil needed to be in for 12 hours at this point it was 1am after the 12 hours it would be removed and they would check me.. if i'd progressed it would then be time to start phase two which was pitocin for contractions..

so cervidil was in..fun part was that i was unable to move from laying flat on my back for the first two hours and that was painful!!! the contractions began within 30 minutes of administering the cervidil... and man did they hurt... once i hit my two hour mark... i was able to turn on my side and tried to get some sleep.. i slept maybe two hours off and on that was between bathroom breaks and some painful contractions... Gustavo was there every step of the way.. he helped me to focus to stay on top of my contractions and to breathe... he also helped me to the bathroom whenever i needed to go.. he was amazing!!! he was also exhausted so when my mom got back to the hospital around 7am he was out like a light... poor guy!! by the time mom got there my contractions were pretty painful!!! soon enough i was unable to talk through them... and i was only half way there with the cervidil!!! it was a looong day needless to say.. around 9am my sister got there and my best friend bea got there they would be with us the entire length of my birth... it was great having the moral support of those i love... it was definately very important...

finally 1:15 rolled around.. my cervidil was taken out and i was checked... i was 1 cm dilated and 60% effaced at that point.. they gave me a drug in my iv called nubane which made me kind of groggy... and they started the pitocin about half an hour later... the meds let me rest for a bit.. until the pitocin really kicked in and man when it did i was hurting!!! contractions were coming back to back!!! it was like i couldn't stay on top of the pain because they were so close... the pain was paralyzing... by 4pm i was in so much pain i couldn't breathe or think straight..gustavo proposed the epi and i remember screaming at him telling him i didn't want it... however two contractions later i definately changed my tune.. at that point i was worried i would pass out from the pain so i began screaming and crying for the epi!!! the nurse came in checked me and i was at 3 cm... but the only little snafoo was that all the anesthesiologists were busy administering epi's to the jam packed labor floor... however the director came in and saw how much pain i was in and grabbed an or anesth. to administer my epi in 3..2..1!!!

my nurse ordered everyone out of my room... at which point i didn't care but i knew my mom was really nervous about... she asked why everyone had to leave and the nurse said it was b/c she'd had people pass out and crack their heads open from watching epis being administered... so they all left.. i got my epi and 20 minutes later i was good as new... everyone came in and literally were astonished to see me calm and pain free... i have to admit it was a nice feeling... i was able to relax... i mean no matter how you slice i was able to go 15 hours in labor without the epi... i waited until the very last minute and that changed the course of the remainder of my labor and my delivery... it was definately the right choice and i'm happy i did it... i was really able to enjoy my delivery...from there i was checked again around 5 and i was 7 cm dilated... my dr came in to check me for that one.. she told me to relax...i dozed off for a bit... felt a pop and a gush... sat up and said "i think my water just broke" i looked at gustavo and i said baby did you just hear what i said... he said "no"i said MY WATER JUST BROKE!!! at that point everyone got excited... the nurse came in and confirmed that it was my water... shortly after that i felt a lot of pressure... no pain just pressure so i kept telling the nurse i feel pressure i feel pressure.. she said it was normal..but when Dr. Maslyak came in and checked me sure enough i was 10 cm dilated and ready to push... it was SHOW TIME!!!! and i was feeling great from the epi... i was ready to bring our daughter into this world... they set everything up... my family took their positions..mom on one side of me bea gustavo and my sis in front to watch the whole show!!!

i began pushing and i remember yelling COME ON ANDREA... and she was out within 2.5 pushes from the time she crowned!!! i couldn't believe it... it was so quick!! i tore inside and slightly on the outside but it was well worth it... Andrea came out and they placed her on my chest... i'll never forget that feeling... she was so warm...and started screaming immediately.. i always thought that at that moment i'd be so overcome with emotion that i'd be a weeping mess but to my surprise all i could do was smile and laugh because i was so happy to have her in my arms.. and because the delivery was so perfect...doc stitched me up and called it a night!!! and so began our journey into parenthood!!!

induction day!!!

well after seeing my dr yesterday...the decision has been made... we will be going in to memorial miramar tonight at 9pm to begin my cervidil induction... i won't be able to eat anything once im there until Andrea is born so dr.'s orders were to eat as much as i can before i go in... therefore gustavo and i will be going to cheesecake factory for a yummy dinner before going into the hospital!!! the way doc is figuring.. they will insert the cervidil tonight at 9 and tomorrow morning they will remove it and start my pitocin... if all goes as planned andrea will be delivered sometime tomorrow!! which is great news... double great news will be the fact that i'll be in the capable and most importantly the familiar hands of my doctor which is a huge deal for me... so thats definately reassuring...

everyone is over the moon excited that our little angel will be here and in our arms tomorrow.. i cant help but feel so blessed and thankful that God has blessed me and my family with such an amazing gift...i'm literally at a loss for words.. i just pray that God take over this entire labor and delivery and that his hand is over us every step of the way... after all science and medicine only go so far then comes God!!! I know he will give me the strength to bring me through...he's never failed me...

could it be the end???

Good Morning All!!!

as i sit and eat my breakfast consisting of pound cake and hot chocolate i'm contemplating what could possibly transpire today at my dr. appt!!! i've been having contractions since thursday... a quick trip to labor and delivery and i was home within a few hours if that... nurse and i weren't really seeing eye to eye.. i got violated by her man hands twice to no avail... it was what it was... no dilation NONE!!!! 39 weeks pregnant and my little angel is stubborn as hell!!! anyway i'm due at my dr. at 8:30 this morning... hopefully she'll be the bearer of some much needed good news... the contractions have definately been stronger all night and morning so im hoping it did something ... anything... we'll see... all thats left to do at this point is pray... really ... its not even a matter of me being uncomfortable anymore... i could really care less... i've gotten used to feeling this way... i just want my little girl here and in my arms... i spent some much needed quality time with my neice on saturday night along with the hubby and my mommy... it was so nice... she was giving me the most wonderful hugs... much needed might i add... shes so beautiful and innocent and just herself.. i love her to pieces and it made me realize what i've always known when it comes to the both of my precious neices... if i love them THIS MUCH.... i cant imagine feeling the kind of love a mother feels.. they are so incredibly special to me... it definately left me anxious to begin my journey into parenthood with my amazing husband by my side always...

side note.... billy joel's song goodnight my angel is amazing!!!!

every parent should listen to it...

well im off to my docs appointment... i'll keep you posted... all thats left to do is PRAY... JUST KEEP PRAYING... GOD'S TIMING IS PERFECT ALWAYS!!!!

Thursday...

Well yesterday was a very boooooring day for me... we switched our cable and internet service provider from att back to comcast... that was pretty short lived... anyway so i was without cable/internet alll dayyyy long... normally i'd be fine.. but being home all day didn't help my cause very much... anyway we're back up and running today..yayyyy!!!

i think gustavo and i were able to reach a good happy medium with Andrea's child care which is good..i think we've been able to reach a decision we're both happy with... yay!!

oh yes and btw in case you're wondering i'm stilllllll pregnant... yup thats me prego prego prego!! but i have been having some contractions since last night.. they seem to be getting stronger although not necessarily closer together time wise... but we'll see... my mom has her sights set on Andrea being born sat/sunish....and im getting the feeling it will be this week sometime.. so we'll just have to sit tight and see...today i turned 39 weeks which is pretty darn good since pregnancy is based on a 40 week period... really any day now... any second now really and i would appreciate it lol!!! i guess thats about it for now!!

Tuesday...

Well im still very much pregnant!!!! man i feel like i've been pregnant for the past 3 years lol!! its so crazy... already my husband and i can't remember life before Andrea and she hasn't even been born yet... we love her so incredibly much already i know its only going to intensify when she finally makes her debut into this crazy beautiful world!!

today i went to joanne's fabric and crafts... got some ideas for Andrea's announcements.. i'd really like to get my creative juices flowing and make something really beautiful for our little angel!! anyway i also got to looking at different kinds of textured fabrics for her newborn photoshoot ... i cant wait for that!!

i went to the post office and finally got our baby shower thank you cards sent out!! its been exactly one month and one day since our shower.. not to bad.. i was trying to get them out in a timely manner!!! so i'd say a month is alright..

came home made some mac and cheese for lunch.. and i'm defrosting some ground beef for baked ziti for dinner tonight... i know.. lots of pasta lol!!! oh well its so easy especially when you're so not in the mood to cook.. besides if i make the ziti tonight we can have it for dinner tommorow too!! lol gotta think ahead!!

anyway.. now i'm just waiting for 3:30 to come around when the hubby gets off of work!! definately the highlight of my days :)

hope everyone is having a great one!!!

God Bless!!

uneventful dr appt!!!

well went to the dr today... and basically i've made zero progress... i cant believe i'll be 39 weeks on thursday and still no andrea!!! life is just not fair lol... anyway i did ask the doc about induction and she basically told me that she wouldn't recommend it yet... obviously andrea is not ready to make her debut yet and if i try to force it i will become high risk for a c section which i really dont want at this point!! sooo that leaves us with ... if by my next appointment in one week nothing has happened she'll begin to think about induction... ahhh the life of a pregnant woman... sooo much waiting... in all honesty only God knows when he'll be placing his angel in our arms... until then my faith is completely in his hands!! after all... our creator makes no mistakes in his perfect design...

while my cake is baking...

no pun intended... lol not my daughter but a real cake that i was craving i thought i'd blog about nothing really in general lol!!! this weekend has been pretty uneventful!! basically we stayed inside the whole weekend.. its rough being 9 months pregnant when living in south florida in july... yeah definately not fun.. we did however, discover a cute little park in pines today .. we were there for about 15 minutes and then had to leave because gustavo got severely bitten up by some sort of insects lol!!! poor baby... but it was still nice to scope a photography spot out for future... i've decided that photographing landscape really doesn't do much for me or my creative juices so in a way thats food for thought... i get so excited when i look at wedding photos or newborn portraits...i mean i could literally sit and just look at them all day long... im amazed at the amount of talent that's out there... anyway on another note.. i'm still pregnant.. sometimes i feel as though she's never going to get here.. even though i know when the time is right she will... but the waiting is enough to make a person go completely crazy!! i dont think i've ever been so excited to go to my ob as i am for tommorrow's visit... im definately going to broach the subject of induction.. just to pick her brain and see what she thinks!! we shall see... anyway i believe my cake is done so i'm headed to the kitchen .... yummmmmmmm

Back from lunch

well today is officially day five of my maternity leave.. my first week is coming to an end and still no andrea in sight lol!!! man maternity leave can be quite lonely when you dont have a baby to take care of... on another note i just got back from a panera lunch with the hubby!!! thank the lord for him lol!!! and for his schedule of 7-3:30pm... just an hour and a half left and he'll be home..i cant wait...its so quiet here ... last night we went walking and this morning i did some walking by myself.. had contractions well through the night and this morning but they seem to have subsided. i tell you this little one is stubborn like her daddy!!! she doesn't seem to want to make her debut anytime soon... one more weekend and monday i have a doc appt... we'll see what happens by then!! fingers crossed!!! i slept a little better last night.. i was only up once for about 30 minutes so that wasn't so bad.. definately a step up from every other night this week... well its off to do some photography research.. lets see what i find/learn today...

its been awhile...

wow!!! so its definately been awhile since i've blogged... i've decided its time to pick it up again.. i've started my maternity leave which has left me what tons of time on my hands to work on things i've let kind of lag behind... i'm getting into photography... but this time i'm convinced to spend the necessary time on it... Gustavo bought me a new computer to work on my edits and do what i need to... and i have the camera already so now its just a matter of dedicating the time to something that i've always been passionate about but to scared to dive into!!! He's really such an amazing husband and i'm so blessed God placed him in my life... he's so supportive of every and anything i want to do..like i said i'm blessed...

on another note my due date is approaching.. although not as quickly as i'd like it to.. i'm 38 weeks pregnant and i have a doctors appointment on monday where i plan to talk to the doc about possible induction.... i'm nervous because i'm not quite sure what her reaction will be but at the same time i'm so incredibly uncomfortable... i dont know how much more of this i can take... as it is i dont sleep...im in pain...im swelling.. oh yes and i'm looking like a zombie from any number of scarey movies.. take your pick!!! so monday is the day we'll find out if she's going to make me go until im overdue or if i'll get a lucky break lol!!

wish me luck!!!

til next time...

liz