There are many things i've accomplished in my life that have made me proud...i like to think i've taken the road less traveled in many instances... not that i'm trying to make myself this high and mighty person but i guess i'm just happy with the person i've become... this week however i took a loooong hard look at my life and i had to ask how i let things get this far... how in the world did i wake up one day and ask myself what in the heck is wrong with you!!! you have nothing to show for where you are (besides of course a beautiful family) i should have a career... a degree... i should be that person that my neice has looked up to her whole 15 years of existence... i should be that person that my daughter will one day want to be or emmulate just as i have looked at my own mother and father... WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!! i know this all seems pretty petty and immature of me but the fact of the matter is that i'm 25 years old but am lacking something that has given many in my generation purpose... that damn little piece of paper that says who i am...that says i'm educated... that says i was able to begin something and reach a goal...i was able to help people.. i was able to do something rewarding... something big... something that my daughter will one day be able to look back and say THIS is my mom!!
i know it all sounds a little crazy but i guess this is me just venting...but when i'm surrounded by people who have degrees and are clearly educated i feel unaccomplished, unproductive, and just plain mediocre... i mean why didn't i do something amazing with my life like become a doctor or a lawyer why didn't i have the discipline to do something that other people could look at and say HEY now she's special... she's one of a kind... why haven't i touched lives and helped others in times of dispair... WHY WHY WHY!!! Gustavo says i'm having a crisis... and maybe i am... after all its totally possible.. but the fact of the matter still remains... why aren't i the kind of daughter my parents can brag about when they go out ...why did i settle for being mediocre..laziness? lack of interest? lack of drive? discipline? whatever the reason it doesn't take away from the fact that something's missing....
I love being a mommy and a wife.. but i want more than that.. i want my family to look towards me with pride....knowing that i did something with my life.. i didn't settle no matter the reason...i dont want to be that woman that is nothing more than a wife and a mommy... i want to be able to go out and not feel like i'm the tiniest person in the room because everyone around me is accomplished. Now the question is will these desires turn into something i can be proud of in the end. Does it mean that much to me? Will i make it happen? Will i make my family proud? or will i falter yet again....
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