How to start breathing again?

for as long as i can remember i've used writing as an outlet for my feelings... fight with my parents.. i wrote... fight with boyfriends... i wrote... fight with friends... i wrote... fell in love i wrote... once i got married i let my writing go a bit... maybe i just didn't have anything to vent about..but since i got pregnant and had andrea i've started writing again.. its more me just trying to get my thoughts out and document andrea's beautiful little life. Well today i'm writing to vent... today i'm writing to possibly start breathing again...today i'm writing to write.. for me...

Saturday May 8 the day before my first mothers day between 2:45 and 5pm our home was broken into and buglarized.

Gustavo met me at the shops at pembroke to pick up andrea bc i was getting my hair done for mothers day... he wanted to stay with me and i told him that it was way to hot ... that he should just take andrea and go home ... he stayed... (miracle in disguise. thank god) Had he gone home when i told him to he would've walked in with our daughter to these strangers in our home.

He ended up staying and i dropped andrea off with him so i could make one more stop before the day was over..i got 1 block down the street when he called me to tell me what had happened. I rushed home... the cops were there within 10 minutes...from that point we filed the report and forensics showed up within 30 minutes.. they were able to get fingerprints from our closet but im willing to bet they're our own.. they advised we should be contacted within a week and a half to go down to get fingerprinted for comparison. They didn't take too much if thats even an honest statement to make and the cop assured us the culprits would be back... this was a warning... this was someone who lived in our complex... someone who has been watching us... who knows when we're home and when we're not... who knows our schedule... i couldn't help but stand outside our home and just stare off into the distance wondering if these lowly people were watching everything unfold.. watching the cops get there... watching me get in my car with my daughter and a packed bag and leave for my parents house. watch the very breath inside of me be taken.

At first i wasn't angry i was just in shock... now i've gone through a few other choice feelings.

i feel violated.... these strangers were in my home... went through my drawers... helped themselves to my belongings... they violated the trust that i had in the solace of being in our home... where i lay my head and my daughter laughs... they violated the home gustavo and i were married in... the home we made a baby in... and the home andrea was born in... we painted and decorated her room put every piece of furniture together ourselves... and built memories and a life... that was taken in one instant.

i feel hurt... hurt because we are good people and i dont feel bad saying it...WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE... stand up people... that go out of our way to help others... that love each other and our family ... that dont bother others... but instead respect those around us. We work hard every day for everything we've earned... we live a simple life full of love and admiration for each other...we know what it is to struggle and have absolutely nothing...we know what it is to start from scratch and sacrifice to make our life work. and now we know what it is not to be able to breathe....

i feel angry... angry because we've been taken advantage of... angry because they didn't just take posessions they took memories... this will forever be the memory of my first mothers day, of this apartment... of this day in my life... after all life is made up of moments and they took that moment for their own selfish cowardly reasons and i'll never be able to get that back. they have now backed us into a corner because i cannot step foot back into that apartment without wondering if today will be the day they decide to return. i cant put my daughter to bed in her room without staying up all night to keep her safe...i feel backed into a corner because we were absolutely not prepared to move out of this apartment overnight and now this is the reality we're faced with.

i feel scared...scared because everything could have been taken from me in one quick flash... had gustavo gone back home with the baby while these idiots were there... scared that life has come to this... that we live in a drowning economy full of people who feel they need to do these things to survive.. scared that my daughter is going to have to grow up in this society.. scared that there isn't a damn thing i can do to change this situation or turn back time... or catch them...and scared that i'm always going to feel this way... this tightness in my chest and sick feeling in my stomach...scared that i'll never be able to give anybody the benefit of the doubt ever again because bad things happen and there are to many people out there with bad intentions.

I know that i need to go back to church .... i know that i will find peace in God... but the sad thing is that i dont want that... i dont want to feel better.. i want to hate these scumbags with all i've got i want them to feel pain and i want them to pay for what they did. even for the possibility of what the could've taken from me in addition to what was already stolen. but the worst part of all of this is that i know they wont be caught and even if they were the punishment they would receive pales in comparison to what i feel they deserve.

Andrea's Boyfriend!

So this will be a pretty short and sweet post.. however i just had to share..

This morning when i dropped off andrea at daycare there was a little boy there who seems to be about 5 months old... cant roll over or crawl.. so the teacher puts him on the mat on his back.. as soon as andrea sees him she crawls over and starts kissing him all over her forehead. THE CUTEST THING EVER... before i knew it his forehead was full of her drool!!! I'm sitting there thinking ummm if this were someone elses baby slopping up my kids forehead i'd probably want them to pull him off of her ... so i did... well i tried.. i even tried asking her to give me some of those sweet kisses but it was a no go!!! she wanted to give hiiiiiiim kisses not mommy!!! HAHAHA it was adorable and made my morning to see how she loves to love and smother ... just like me!!!!! anyway it was a nice start to my morning... HAPPY HUMP DAY ;)

Happy Nine Months Andrea!!

Good Morning...
Well another month has completely flown by!!!
Andrea turned 9 Months old on April 22 which was last thursday ... by days have been super busy lately so i've been keeping up with my blog as much as i possibly can... anyway my plan was to take some shots of her this weekend but it didn't quite work out so hopefully i'll be able to get those done in a week or so... But as far as andrea's development goes here it is:

Andrea is actively crawling and trying to stand ... she can stand supported for a little bit and pull herself up to standing sometimes...

She's eating everything we eat basically. and is still on stage 2 baby food as well as formula.. we'll see what changes we need to make when she goes in for her 9 month appointment on may 7th

She's babbling and can say mama, dada, eh, baba, mmmmm

She recognizes that i'm mama and will shout out for me at any given moment.

She recognizes her daddy as "eh" lol its really funny and we're not totally sure where that came from..

Daycare is doing her well... she cries every morning when i drop her off but as soon as i turn the corner and listen she's already stopped... we do have rough mornings some of the time but for the most part it's been a pretty positive experience. The best feeling in the world is going to pick her up in the afternoon and see her crawling towards me at warp speed screaming out of excitement that her mommy is there to get her!! it's such a great experience for me and makes my days so much better!! I still miss her so much during the day but i think we're getting better as each day passes.

Good Weekend...

Andrea's Bday Invitation

This weekend was so relaxing and exactly what i needed... hubby took great care of me and andrea so we could recoop from the last week and a half of being sick... i finally broke down and went to the dr to get an antibiotic for my little daycare initiation... after being pretty much without a voice for three days not to mention a terrible night thursday complete with a sore throat that had me up from 2-4am because of the pain... anyway i've been on my antibiotic for three days now and i'm feeling almost 100% thank God!!

Andrea is almost back to normal if we could just get through her cough and runny nose... i'm hoping to have the luck of being dr office free this week... fingers crossed..

Other than that this weekend i stopped by the nutrition store and picked up some vitamins...went to jamba juice and got myself a coldbuster smoothie full of immunity boosters and began my wheat grass shot regimen for those of you who think im a little off regarding the wheat grass shot.. my parents swear by it.. and it seems to help with just about anything.. the taste wasn't as bad as i thought it would be either..

Saturday night i was able to work on and complete andrea's birthday invitations as well as did a practice run of her bday cupcakes :) i liked how both came out so i think we're well on our way... my mom picked up a bunch of bday ballerina decor and she also set an appointment for andrea's first year pics ... i did some research on the rest of the party supplies i'll need to get as well as center pieces. I'm getting so excited as we draw nearer to the big day!!

Today we spent some quality time with my sister and my neice bella!! it was a great day :) I'm so sad to see the weekend end ... but gotta get through another week to see the next weekend...

Quoted from the bible...

Have faith in God Jesus replied. I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, Go throw yourself into the sea and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what HE says will happen it will be done for him.
Mark 11:22-23

HAVE A BLESSED DAY :)

Not feeling to hot

So since Andreas little welcome to daycare gift i've been hit with the sicky bug!! it's truly miserable to be sick when you have a little one.. even if they're perfectly healthy.. unfortunately andrea is still struggling with the congestion but no fever whatsoever... she's a bit on the cranky side although i think its to be expected since she's also teething... luckily gustavo has been wonderful about putting her to bed this week so i can get to bed early which i'm very thankful for...

On another note andrea is a super crawler these days. she started crawling on thursday and is now at the point where i can not leave her in one place and expect her to be there when i get back!! its the cutest thing... she follows us around the apartment constantly... i love it and i love seeing her grow and reach new milestones!!

Hopefully this weekend i'll be feeling better so we can go hang out at the park or the beach which is our favorite past time... i'm so excited for andrea to see the little baby duckies and other animals that have recently been born :) i love spring!!! yayyy

Andrea's First Day of School

Andrea's first day of daycare was on monday... Gustavo and i both dropped her off together.. it wasn't to bad.. mommy didn't shed any tears.. i went by around 12 to check on her.. she was sleeping like a sweet little angel :) when i picked her up the teacher said she was a little on the fussy side which was to be expected because of the change...

Day 2: She cried when i left her which broke my heart ... Gustavo picked her up that day because i had to work late.. he said she was playing with another little baby... which made me happy to hear.

Day 3: No tears when i dropped her off but i did things differently.. i sat and played with her and the other babies for a few minutes before i left.. :) when i picked her up that day she was on the floor happy as could be playing with her little baby friends!! i was so happy to see that.

That afternoon she came home with the sniffles.. i put her to bed around 7:30 thinking wow she already has the sniffles lol... to my surprise at 10:30 little one woke up with a 101 fever yeah not so great considering she'd only been in daycare 3 stinkin days.... yuuuuuck... had to cancel my playdate for the following evening with my favorite people.. and i was stuck at the dr basically all day... doc said it's viral and should subside within 72 hours... today's sunday and i'm dreading the whole daycare mission that has to begin all over again tomorrow after a pretty difficult last 4 days of course i couldn't get away unscathed yesterday i woke up feeling like my head was going to explode... now mommy has the sniffles lol... i've been popping vitamins and tylenol cold and flu like its going out of style..so hopefully i'm at least 90% better by tomorrow morning to start this whole craziness all over again. ugh... all i can say is that seeing my little one like this made me feel so guilty about putting her in daycare... almost wondering if we'd waited to have children maybe being a stay at home mommy would be an option for us and i'd be able to keep her from getting sick so often which i know comes with the territory of being in daycare.. but then again i think to myself either now or later she'd have to be exposed to school or daycare and she'd be getting sick just the same...time to suck up the guilt and just move forward.